things to let go, things to now know

I crossed three colleges off my to-apply list just now.

I almost feel like someone going through a midlife crisis. I've had this years for ages now, so what prompted me to alter it now?

I've been really contemplating what schools are right for me, not my parents' egos or mine.
Even though it didn't feel like that at the time I put them down, I realize now that it was. Prestige.
I got infected, and I'm a little ashamed, but hey, at least now I can say I'm human.

Admittance and rejection. I am trying to imagine the latter more often, just to be mentally prepared (so if it's an admittance instead I will simply explode), but that doesn't stop the occasional admittance daydream to creep into my skull. Alas.

I had an argument with my mother last night. For the third time since I've asked her specifically not to, she told yet another person what my First Choice is.

And it's not the shame of rejection. It's because it's personal to me, and no one else's business, especially not something for the "Compare Our Children" game Asian parents play. I don't want something so important to be reduced to a name like that, and the fact that she couldn't respect my wishes on that count was kind of upsetting.

I cry over everything now. I'm pretty sure if I saw roadkill I would burst into tears like I used to in elementary school (and only the elementary school part is exaggerating). It's not as though I'm having a nervous breakdown or anything. In fact, I'm no longer self-conscious about it. For seniors, it seems to be as fashionable as bug-eyed glasses. And like bug-eyed glasses, I hope it becomes less common by the end of semester.

So, the bright side. I am rereading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer, which I read more than a year ago before adding it to my favorite books list.

I don't like it as much, which is disappointing, but not the end of the world. Some of the lines still ring with me, but not the same novelty as before. I'm marking the best of them with a light blue Prismacolour pencil. When I get to it, I'll buy and reread Everything Is Illuminated as well. And all the other books on my favorites list.

It's getting easier to tell how much I've changed on an intellectual level in the past six months alone. I reread the Handmaid's Tale for AP English and had an entirely new perspective on it because of Anytown and learning more about sexism. The presidential election got me more into politics (though I'd hardly call myself a junkie). I read commentaries without being entirely persuaded and watch reports without entirely believing.

And the things that once held immense sentimental value to me are less so epic, so to speak, because I have experienced even more profound messages in the past few months.

If my viewpoints were marble, I'd be sculpting them.